The New Me

I am in love with my new haircut. Can you be in love with your hair? I suppose in some ways you can, in some you can't, but this is my favorite look for me. I have gotten so many compliments, and not just the "nice haircut" comments, but people really complimenting me on it. I don't want to seem vain, but I just feel like I have come so far in life from being that quiet, shy girl that just blended into her surroundings. And trust me, that's what I was in high school. I am finally feeling like myself, embracing it, and feeling good about myself is a big part of that. I mean I have also lost 15 lbs, but that was never a goal of mine, it just kind of happened. My hair though, I researched my face shape and figured out what would look good, and it paid off. Even one of my students told me that they liked my hair.

What really took the cake though: I was at Olive Garden with friends, and they kept catching one of the male hosts looking at me! Now I'm sure part of it was my hair, but I was actually looking very cute that day: makeup, clothes, red skinny jeans. A couple of my friends had already mentioned that I looked very cute that day. Back to Olive Garden though: the entire time we were eating, every time he had to seat people by us, he would look over at me. I'm sure I'm being cocky here, but I am actually used to being a fly on the wall, so I am enjoying this. The highlight of all of this however, was when we went to leave, and he realized how tall I was. His eyes almost bugged out of his head. Since I can't be with my husband, this was a major highlight!

Blah

I just feel blah.. hence the name of this post.

I look all around me and see so many people going places. Not necessarily traveling, but they are going places with their lives. Jobs, careers, they just have direction. And while I kinda have the whole "family" thing figured out, I have no clue about my life still.

I am quitting my master's degree. It just doesn't seem like the right place for me. I end up crying about things more than enjoying it, but my trouble with this choice is that I don't know what the right place is. Obviously math isn't working out for me, but I would never make it in art either. So what am I supposed to do with a bachelor's degree in math, but no passion? I feel like I have wasted the last 5 years since I graduated from high school - heck I feel like I wasted my time in high school too. If I could have only had a great drive for something even when I was still in grade school.

Why can't I live in the 40s or 50s. I could do the whole housewife thing, or at least I believe I could. I would prefer to have children and just stay home with them. However that isn't going to happen. BJ isn't going to have a steady enough job, or make enough money for us to live off without me working. Maybe it is partly my fault, that what I consider a comfortable lifestyle isn't realistic. Being raised in the world how it is, I must admit that I am materialistic. I need my computer, television, cell phone, video games, clothes..

Back to my point though, if there actually is a point to this post. I feel like a failure. I feel like I will always be a failure. Because I don't want to work, I don't want a job or a career. The problem is that I just don't know what I want. And it kills me. And it ties into my last post, that I feel like BJ doesn't understand how much it hurts me not having a passion. He has football. Heck, he left me for football. And I have my parents trying to push and pull me every direction that they see fit. Trying to mold me into everything that they couldn't or didn't have the chance to be.

I feel like I can't even focus on a thought in my head right now, so blah..

Oh that "..." feeling

To set the record straight: I know that I got caught up in a whirlwind romance, that I never looked back,  and that I had my day. But I just want more. I hope this is just because of the long distance relationship that I got stuck in, but I want my husband to surprise me, to make me feel special, to get me. He just isn't smooth.. he doesn't know how to plan anything out!

I just feel like I'm not special. And I know that he tries, he really does, but it's like he doesn't know who I am. He said he had a "surprise" for when I visited him last month. This turned out to be something he already asked me about, visiting a town about an hour away. And his plan for this was to just go there... we didn't get there until after 9 pm, and he wanted to stay in a hotel somewhere. Well, one would think that would mean that he had reservations.. no. We went from hotel to hotel trying to find a place to stay.  Then we went to dinner and went to bed. We had to leave in the morning so that he could go to work. It was a complete waste of time and money. He was trying to make me feel special, but if he had an actual plan I would have felt special. There is never a plan. We fly by the seat of his pants, and I feel like he doesn't care enough to put actual time and effort into it. I just dont know what to do with it.

And he tries to be considerate. He knows that I don't eat leftovers because food doesn't taste as good to me after it has been sitting in the fridge. Makes sense - you microwave leftovers to heat them up, and microwave food just isn't as good as food cooked on the stove or in the oven. But we had gone to a steak place and I couldn't eat all mine. In fact I didn't try to eat it all so that I could have some later. And he ate less than 24 hours later.. I never even had a chance. He just makes assumptions.. And I'm sorry that I'm not a typical girl - I don't want jewelry, I don't wear much of it. It really has to be something that I want. But I don't have the same wants as every girl. I'm not his ex of 5 years.

I just want to feel special. I want more than a "hello" text everyday. I want thought..

Blame it on the distance, or that it's shark week, or that I am too difficult. Whatever you choose. I just want to feel special...