Blah

I just feel blah.. hence the name of this post.

I look all around me and see so many people going places. Not necessarily traveling, but they are going places with their lives. Jobs, careers, they just have direction. And while I kinda have the whole "family" thing figured out, I have no clue about my life still.

I am quitting my master's degree. It just doesn't seem like the right place for me. I end up crying about things more than enjoying it, but my trouble with this choice is that I don't know what the right place is. Obviously math isn't working out for me, but I would never make it in art either. So what am I supposed to do with a bachelor's degree in math, but no passion? I feel like I have wasted the last 5 years since I graduated from high school - heck I feel like I wasted my time in high school too. If I could have only had a great drive for something even when I was still in grade school.

Why can't I live in the 40s or 50s. I could do the whole housewife thing, or at least I believe I could. I would prefer to have children and just stay home with them. However that isn't going to happen. BJ isn't going to have a steady enough job, or make enough money for us to live off without me working. Maybe it is partly my fault, that what I consider a comfortable lifestyle isn't realistic. Being raised in the world how it is, I must admit that I am materialistic. I need my computer, television, cell phone, video games, clothes..

Back to my point though, if there actually is a point to this post. I feel like a failure. I feel like I will always be a failure. Because I don't want to work, I don't want a job or a career. The problem is that I just don't know what I want. And it kills me. And it ties into my last post, that I feel like BJ doesn't understand how much it hurts me not having a passion. He has football. Heck, he left me for football. And I have my parents trying to push and pull me every direction that they see fit. Trying to mold me into everything that they couldn't or didn't have the chance to be.

I feel like I can't even focus on a thought in my head right now, so blah..